The journey of "finding who I am" has been getting rough lately. I am the kind of person who likes to plan things out and buy neat little calendars so I can actually remember; do not mistake this as me saying I am an organized person. I have my goals, dreams, and concepts of life. They impact each other; if one was to change, then so would the rest. I have made NUMEROUS sacrifices in order to pursue my dream. I gave up my " fun-teen high school years", challenged myself academically (even when I already get stomach ulcers from stress), limited myself to very little experience on having fun, and gave up my favorite sport due to injury and needing to open up my schedule.
Recently, I keep repeating the words my father had said to me after I had described why I loved Boston so much; a city I have not visited but felt a strong passion to live there and just be there. As he listened to my plan of how I was going to get there, the sacrifices I have made, and what my inspiration was, he folded his hands and leaned forward. This, usually, is his body language of concern. He took a deep breath in and looked sadden. I asked what did I say to upset him, and his reply still hasn't left my mind since. " You lost your way of having fun and I am not even sure you do anything anymore to just have fun" he said. How could he say that? My own father said I didn't know how to have fun. I thought a few more seconds and began to realize that I couldn't even remember the last time I had fun. I use to paint, draw/sketch/doodle, sing, go for late walks, cook my famous concoctions, and hang out with friends. All I seem to do now is plan, plan, more planning, and dream. What was "fun" actually like anymore? I got so caught up in obsessing about my future and thinking that if I worked my best that I could achieve my goal, but somewhere along the way I lost the things that created who I am today. I had convinced myself that once I get to Boston, that I will discover myself in ways I never thought existed and become a person of art. I already know that I am someone who lives and breathes art, but I can't keep containing all my wild and nonpareil ideas. It was time for me to wake up and reconstruct my priorities.
Yes, I am still searching for the answers to: who I want to be, what can I be, and my place in this world. But, I go on my adventure of discovery a little more at ease now because I know that even when times are rough that I can seek away into my imagination to find ways of putting the art of me onto paper and/or actions. Although, my dad was right that I had "lost my way of having fun" little did he know I escaped to art for times of need or just general time. I needed to bring back my abstract so I can bring back the peace.
I still have many years to go, hopefully, but I know to never lose sight of the real me. The loss of art will bring the loss of me, in which will create the impossibility of discovering "who I am". So, here's to the journey ahead and may luck, happiness, love, and good faith lead me throughout every turn, bump, and obstacle that appear.
- Alayna
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